Thoughts on Neighbors

Jessie commented after my recent post on the lack of neighborliness between certain folks in Bloomingdale, that HER new neighbors just brought her fresh corn and tomatoes from the vegetable garden.

That made me ponder, what makes good neighbors ... not so much what behavior in a neighbor is desirable, but what inspires us to be good neighbors to each other... and what keeps us from doing it.

Sure... the mutual desire for a peaceful existence keeps us from parking our cars (or motorhomes) on each-other's lawns, but what inspires us to mow that extra bit between the driveway just because we're mowing? 

We don't have particularly good neighbors around here. And by that I do NOT mean that we have bad neighbors... I mean we're all and least tokenly friendly, and usually folks pass around cookies at holiday time (everyone seems to take a plate of home baked goodies to their neighbors, so we all wind up with a variety).  But only the two Indian families in the end of the cul de sac seem to be close to each other. And it's not expected that anyone would ever drop by for coffee at the kitchen table, or trot over with corn from the garden.  Why not?  I keep reading about these sorts of neighborly behaviors but I've never seen them.... never....

I think part of it comes from the fact that in so many houses in our neighborhoods, both adults work full time.  No one is home all day.  In fact, most of the kids are in some after-school program, so no one is home until close to dinner time.  There's not much time to socialize with your neighbors that way. We're all exhausted, and just have the energy to interact with each other...and so don't spend it on the neighbors before we've recharged over dinner (or martinis or whatever people are doing behind their closed doors).

And once we've recharged, we're all seeking interactions with folks who share something with us ... some interest... some activity (knitting for me, golf for DH...) to spend our energy on... so we head out to knit-night, or golf, or book clubs or dancing or whatever activities we enjoy, instead of rounding up the neighbors for a barbecue.

Also, I wonder -- having never lived in the North, where it's generally cool enough 350 days a year to go without air conditioning, I've never lived where folks spent much time settin' out on the porch to catch a breeze.  Folks are shut up in their own houses with the A/C running, reminding the kids to close all the windows.  Would we be more neighborly if we were all outside on the porch catching breezes?  Would we be more neighborly if we had front porches instead of back decks with privacy fencing?

Around here, it's even worse, since despite living right next to each other, our children do not go to the same schools.  Only a little of that is because some folks send their kids to private schools (whether religious or not).  There's a weird "schools of choice" system here.  I won't get started on it, because it will yield a rant of unreasonable proportions about an issue unlikely to be relevant to most of you... (and yes, it means that I'm sending our middle-school girl to private school to escape the nightmare school she'd otherwise have to go to, since evidently choosing our new neighborhood school (with great test scores and an active PTA) for elementary school means they'll go to the farthest school with the lowest test scores and most disciplinary problems).  But the result is that our kids aren't playing with classmates  in their own back yards -- cause the classmates are miles away.  They don't really play with class mates unless we organize play dates and drive them somewhere.  So the parents we chat with to determine who is watching the kids this after noon are NOT our neighbors.  And the kids are rarely home to play in the afternoon anyway, 'cause most parents are at work.

I'd love to live with good neighbors.  I'd like to BE a good neighbor.  Twice a year, I invite all my neighbors to our parties. The folks who lived across the street, and who moved to a nearby town last year always came (and still come).  A couple who live four doors down came once.  The fellow who moved into the friendly family's house came once.  That's pretty much it.  Mostly, they don't even RSVP.  Only one neighbor has ever invited us to a party that wasn't also a selling things sort of thing.

I wonder, what else should I do to inspire more neighborly behavior on my neighbors' part?  What can I do to be more neighborly?  (I can't inflict fresh zucchini on anyone, since we don't have a vegetable garden).  Perhaps I need a front-yard hobby to put myself in the line of sight better.  Shall I install a shaded swing to sit and knit in?

Or is all this imagined coffee-clatching and over-the-fence chatting a fiction found only in novels and TV Sit-Coms? Am I forever deluded by Lucy?

Comments

[TJ]

I grew up surrounded by family so the not great neighbors I have found (not bad, just not involved, like you describe) to be a wierd thing to be around. I love this post and wrote about it on my blog too. :)

[jessie]

I think it's great that you are at least making an effort to be neighborly. All kinds of things contribute to the lack of neighborhood closeness, and you've hit on a lot of them. Add TV to the top of the list and that explains why people aren't out on their steps or porch from 8 to 10, and then some. Also, safety is now an issue. Gone are the days when we let our kids go off out of our sight for hours at a time.

Another thing in our area is that it's a small town; most people know each other. Across the street, I have three neighbors. One is a woman who goes to my gym and takes a certain class with me; the next is a close friend's cousin; and the third was my husband's high-school math teacher. Those small connections make things a lot friendlier.

[Cathy]

After living on the farm and in a suburb where everyone knew your family, lack-of-religion (horrors) and business - it's refreshing to me to live in a small town as a newcomer where no one knows a thing about me. I can walk my dog, chat with other dogwalkers and come home, sit on my back patio behind my privacy fence and feel totally private. But I don't have children at home and I work at home...and I am a hermit (after aforementioned experiences - nosy suburbs/farm town)

[Carrie K]

I live back in the house I grew up in and there are a few neighbors that are the same, but. But. We're not a neighborly neighborhood. We're there if you need anything and housesitting (all the neighbors) but we don't socialize much. Not like when I was growing up, but back then, it was hot, no a/c, and all the kids in the neighborhood know each other.

[vanessa]

when i lived in my last home, about 12 years ago, i had the most wonderful neighbor in the world. i still miss her (and her family).