Some baby booties, and a lamentation on Friendship

I've been on a roll.  And though I have one more FO to show off,  I think the roll is a bout to slow down dramatically.  There are no more AFO's lurking about, and I've no wee projects to start.

So... here are the booties I finished up for CPY last night.

They look like baby thigh highs to me... but that's what Susan wanted, so that's what Susan gets.

Meanwhile, I've been pondering friendship. I've actually been pondering it for a long time, and have started this post repeatedly, but never quite liked what I wrote enough to publish it.  I've decided that if I don't just do it... this post will badger me forever.

What does it mean to have a friend, or to be a friend?  And how do friendships get started. Similarly, how do they end?  And what happens when one person unilaterally decides to end a friendship?

I like to think I'm a pretty good friend.  I welcome people to my home, I call or email or write letters or send instant messages (and lately -- even text messages). I pay attention to life's milestones, and try to acknowledge them.  I give gifts, though far fewer than I would like, sometimes for the milestone moments, or the "obligatory gift giving" days -- sometimes just because.  Once upon a time, when I was single, and had a nice hefty paycheck, I gave gifts without consideration of the cost.  Now, with two children and aging teeth and a house that cost more to live in than we'd anticipated ... oh, and no job, I give less than I used to, and perhaps to fewer people.  But friendship isn't based on GIFTS is it?

Friendship seems to me to be based on mutual trust, affection, respect and interest, and at times, simple familiarity.  Somewhere, two or more people find that they share an interest, or that by circumstance, they see each other every day. And then, they find that they share attitudes or more interests.  And through social interaction of some sort (meeting at knit-nights, rehearsing together, working together, having coffee or lunch, responding to blog comments, email, phone calls, what have you), they develop some sort of bond.  And they respond to that bond by increased interaction -- and a thing we call friendship develops.  And maybe even the urge to give gifts.

Over time, one or the other will commit some trespass that annoys the other.  And discussions will ensue.  Generally, with friends, we get past it, and the friendship continues.  With mere acquaintances, we sometimes don't, and the relationship, such as it was, dissipates.  But, from what I've seen, friendship isn't one of those things that you just switch off abruptly without reason.  At least, that's what I've always thought.

I have (had?) a friend who has, of late, stopped responding to emails, stopped returning calls, stopped responding to comments to her blog, and hasn't acknowledged a gift I sent several months ago.  Through her blog, I see that she is still communicating with other friends, talking on the phone with them, receiving and delighting in gifts -- because she blogs about it all.  I see that she's not suddenly too ill to communicate with the world.  I can only assume that I've done something unforgivable to her (or to someone she loves)-- but I can't for the life of me figure out what that something is.  Six months ago, I was visiting her home, hanging with her family, and happily exchanging gifts and stories.  Six months ago, she was "Auntie" to my kids.  Now... the radio silence is deafening.  I've even emailed to ask what offense I'd caused that she so steadfastly refuses to speak to me...(I told her that if she wants me to leave her alone, she need only tell me so (and why if possible) but have gotten no response.

And I'm sad to lose that friendship.  I miss our emails.  I miss her comments on my blog -- and I miss her responses to my comments on hers.  I miss looking forward to visiting her again.  I miss the phone chats we had for a brief while.   But mostly.... mostly I'm confused.  I can't quite let go because I just do not understand what happened that caused a person who emailed me three or more times a week to suddenly stop responding.  I have pondered my many failings, and come up with nothing to explain why she's abruptly turned her back on me, silently.

 Either way, it seems that I've been shunned.... for her other blogging friends (with whom I also used to have an intermittent email correspondence) have now also stopped responding to my comments on their blogs.  Maybe I'm just not cool enough to be in their crowd.  I linger on....

Perhaps, I overestimated our relationship.  I thought I had a friend.  I thought that her repeat invitations to stay in her home were signs of friendship. I thought our emails were exchanged in friendship.  I thought that her gifts to me were sent in friendship.  My gifts to her were sent/given in friendship.  In fact --- I have another gift for her that I don't quite know what to do with... I bought yarn with her in mind.  I designed and knit a small shawl with her in mind. And now, it sits ... languishing, neither worn nor bestowed, for I fear that it will be unwelcome..... or will be found wanting, or that it will be perceived as trying to buy my way back into her good graces.  For a while, I admit, it sat because I was hurt and angry that she hadn't even so much as acknowledged receiving the last gift.  But still, it seems to know it was meant for her.  And I can do nothing else with it....  Every day, I think I should just mail it to her anyway.

Do rejected friends still have the right to give gifts?  If not, what does one do with a gift that was conceived and made with prayers and thoughts for a former friend imbued in every stitch?

Comments

[bev]

Ahh...this post made my heart sad. This may not help much, but I think we all go through something like that. I did. And, this friend and I tried to make another go of it, but I just couldn't do it. After a while I realized that I didn't trust her with my feelings again and was just waiting to be hurt. So, I was the one the severed the relationship the second time. I still miss her, but can't go back. Friendships are a blessing that we should cherish. But to allow our feelings to be trampled upon or disregarded is not healthy either. You are a loving and giving person. Don't linger here Sweetie, you don't need to. As for the shawl. Pack it away. Someday it will tell you it where it wants to go. Hugs and sympathetic energy to you.

[ambermoggie]

I've had it happen several times and it always hurts:( When Mr Mog was diagnosed with cancer it was amazing the very close friends who never got in touch any more afterwards. Move on, it is their loss you are a generous kind person
sending hugs

[D]

There is the old tradition of the parting gift...you could send it with a note expressing your sorrow at her departure from your life, explaining that this was a work in progress when she took her leave & that while you'll not pursue contact any further, the door is open should she choose to resume it.

She'll already know all of that if she's reading your blog, but notes are more personal.

[Maria]

I think I'd take the high road and send the shawl anyway. She can't be a very happy person. That way you can walk away knowing you'd done all you can. And then you have to quit beating yourself up! It's probably not you.

[Helen]

The thing you have to remember is, it all says more about her than it does about you. Even if you had done something awful - and I'm sure you didn't - a worthwhile friend would at least talk to you about it. When I got ill and then after a few years had to stop work I was amazed at the people who melted away, people whom I thought of as strong and loyal and with whom I'd been through a lot. One of them even wrote me a letter suggesting that we 'suspend' our friendship while I was ill.

Sometimes people just do it because you've got too close, they've told you something they wish they hadn't and they have to put a distance between them and you again.

I wouldn't send her the scarf: give it to somebody who's treating you better. She's not behaving well, and you deserve better, so the hell with her. You've still got us :)

[Pam]

Sorry I'm Late.

In an effort to discern when all this took place I went back through some old posts from both of you. I find it ironic that shortly after your last visit, she wrote a post where she mentions bumping into an old friend who had suddenly ostrisized her, with no explanation, and how painful that was. Then she turns around and does the same. Shameful. I only read three blogs regularly. Yours, hers and Norma's. I still love you all, reading about your lives enriches mine so much. Bless you for all you do for others.

Pam

[sligo]

Giving the gift to the person it was intended for may help you keep your heart open. For me, the key to this kind of experience is to feel the anger, frustration, and loneliness, and remember that people all around us are feeling the same way because of similar situations. Then the gift can be given with an open heart with everyone who is hurting in mind. And you can be assured that you at least have done no harm.

[Alyse]

This completely sucks. I've been through this, the suckyness, and the bewildered feelings, and the self questioning. But I agree with one of the above posters - it says more about her than about you.

You are pretty gosh darn fantastic, and I have a passel of folks whole stand with me on that.

I would have a hard time giving anything more to someone who treated me that way. Maybe find a charity and donate the project to them?

[Sylvia]

If you ever have any doubts about how I feel about you, holler, okay? Love you, consider our friendship to be one of life's splendid gifts, and huge apologies for being a lousy correspondent -- the cussed eye is a mess again. P.S. please email me in a non-typepad vein so I can make sure I'm using the correct response addy for you.

Chin up, TTTW, and I wish we were sitting in your old windowseat right now...

[Faerielady]

I'm sorry it's taken me a while to read blogs, but then again I'd be very surprised if you knew who I was. I'm also sorry that you're having to go through a very painful experience that has caused you to doubt yourself.

The previous comments are right. This has nothing to do with *you*, and everything to do with her. A real friend will speak to you and tell you what is bothering him/her and give you a chance to tell your side of the story... because there are always three sides. Theirs, yours, and the truth. Sometimes the truth is closer to theirs, sometimes it's closer to yours, and sometimes it sits by itself in the corner downing jello shots that are a bit too heavy on the vodka.

Just remember that you are a beautiful person and a great friend. To hell with what that person thinks... she's thrown away a great friendship without cause or concern for your feelings. When it's happened to me, I have been able to become casual acquaintances with the person in question but the depth of trust and feelings of caring that I had aren't there anymore and won't be back.