Tonight, I'm going to ramble on in a whiny way about some of the frustrations of parenting teenagers. Perhaps its because I'm trying to balance the gloaty stuff (as in my High School Senior is taking a COLLEGE class now). Perhaps it's just because it's been a tough couple of days.
Sometimes, parenting seems like an endless circle of "you can do no right," looping interminably with a leminscate of "it's never enough."
Usually, those times come along when your kids are making another step towards adulthood (and independence). Unless, of course, they come along when your kids are having another wee moment of regression -- falling back to regroup before progressing again.
For example, as your kids get older, you (reasonably in your eyes) begin to expect them to take on part of the responsibility for getting what they want. If Child wants to take a park district class, and Child is, say 10, you're likely to call up the park district, confirm the times and places, and ask them whether the child will need any special clothing or shoes or supplies. If Child is 15, you may ask Child to find out whether there are any special clothing, shoe or supply needs -- and to find out what those requirements are.
When Child was 10, this stuff just happened. When Child is 15, Child is just as likely to say "sure Mom," and make the phone call coming back with some but not all of the information as Child is to get all the information about clothing, shoe and supply needs along with a list of the places that carry what he or she needs. And either of those is as likely as Child looking at you like you've grown a second (or third) head and asking something like "How am I supposed to do THAT?"
So, agreeing to pay for a class isn't enough (there's the equipment too, right). Agreeing to pay for the class and buying the supplies won't be enough. Trust me on this -- the basic supplies will be "lame" and if you dont' agree to pony up for the special extras that cost twice as much, you'll be lame too. If a leotard is in order, she'll ask for dance shorts (and extra $30.00).
And don't forget, you've agreed to drive Child to the class and pick Child up again after killing the hour and a quarter between the start and finish of the class. And that isn't really enough either. Trust me on this. Child will either want to be early, or be offended at having to hang around for ten whole minutes before class. Ditto picking Child up after class-- if you're not right on time, Child is offended because Child hates WAITING. Unless, of course, you are right on time, then Child will be irritated that you're depriving her (or him) of time to hang with her friends (yes, those people she complained about last week because she didn't know anyone, and everyone was lame).
Take note: It is wholly unacceptable for the Parent to keep the Child waiting ... even for two or three minutes ... when the Child is ready to go. Trust me ... Child will tell you this. However, it is completely unreasonable to ask Child to keep an eye out for your car, or to be outside where you can see him/her when you arrive, so that Child will be ready to get in within a minute or two of your arrival. How CAN you ask such a thing?? Can't you see that Child is busy?? Child is SOCIALIZING!!! You can wait .... and you should text when you get there -- Child will check her phone every so often to see .... but will not pay attention to the fact that she has chosen the dead spot in the building, where there is no cell reception, to hang out waiting for you. Child will eventually come looking for you once the all-important friends leave. Bring a book next time.
More fun, of course, is communication about impending transportation issues.
It is not possible to say, "Mom, can you give me a ride to the library at around 1:00? I'd like to meet Friend, who will be waiting for me there." Instead, your teen will say "Can you take me to the library this afternoon? And can we pick up Friend there to bring Friend home with us".
If you've said yes, and then have the temerity to want to take a shower at 12:40 because you'd been cleaning, or gardening, or what have you all morning, they'll be miffed that you're not leaving instead of stepping into the shower. But they will not tell you that they're miffed because they'd set a time to meet Friend. They won't tell you that until you're LATE!!! as you get into the car at 1:30. And they'll fume and snarl all the way to the library.
I do not remember it working this way when I was a teenager. Of course, I was a teenager
Tonight, I'm going to ramble on in a whiny way about some of the frustrations of parenting teenagers. Perhaps its because I'm trying to balance the gloaty stuff (as in my High School Senior is taking a COLLEGE class now). Perhaps it's just because it's been a tough couple of days.
Sometimes, parenting seems like an endless circle of "you can do no right," looping interminably with a leminscate of "it's never enough."
Usually, those times come along when your kids are making another step towards adulthood (and independence). Unless, of course, they come along when your kids are having another wee moment of regression -- falling back to regroup before progressing again.
For example, as your kids get older, you (reasonably in your eyes) begin to expect them to take on part of the responsibility for getting what they want. If Child wants to take a park district class, and Child is, say 10, you're likely to call up the park district, confirm the times and places, and ask them whether the child will need any special clothing or shoes or supplies. If Child is 15, you may ask Child to find out whether there are any special clothing, shoe or supply needs -- and to find out what those requirements are.
When Child was 10, this stuff just happened. When Child is 15, Child is just as likely to say "sure Mom," and make the phone call coming back with some but not all of the information as Child is to get all the information about clothing, shoe and supply needs along with a list of the places that carry what he or she needs. And either of those is as likely as Child looking at you like you've grown a second (or third) head and asking something like "How am I supposed to do THAT?"
So, agreeing to pay for a class isn't enough (there's the equipment too, right). Agreeing to pay for the class and buying the supplies won't be enough. Trust me on this -- the basic supplies will be "lame" and if you dont' agree to pony up for the special extras that cost twice as much, you'll be lame too. If a leotard is in order, she'll ask for dance shorts (and extra $30.00).
And don't forget, you've agreed to drive Child to the class and pick Child up again after killing the hour and a quarter between the start and finish of the class. And that isn't really enough either. Trust me on this. Child will either want to be early, or be offended at having to hang around for ten whole minutes before class. Ditto picking Child up after class-- if you're not right on time, Child is offended because Child hates WAITING. Unless, of course, you are right on time, then Child will be irritated that you're depriving her (or him) of time to hang with her friends (yes, those people she complained about last week because she didn't know anyone, and everyone was lame).
Take note: It is wholly unacceptable for the Parent to keep the Child waiting ... even for two or three minutes ... when the Child is ready to go. Trust me ... Child will tell you this. However, it is completely unreasonable to ask Child to keep an eye out for your car, or to be outside where you can see him/her when you arrive, so that Child will be ready to get in within a minute or two of your arrival. How CAN you ask such a thing?? Can't you see that Child is busy?? Child is SOCIALIZING!!! You can wait .... and you should text when you get there -- Child will check her phone every so often to see .... but will not pay attention to the fact that she has chosen the dead spot in the building, where there is no cell reception, to hang out waiting for you. Child will eventually come looking for you once the all-important friends leave. Bring a book next time.
More fun, of course, is communication about impending transportation issues.
It is not possible to say, "Mom, can you give me a ride to the library at around 1:00? I'd like to meet Friend, who will be waiting for me there." Instead, your teen will say "Can you take me to the library this afternoon? And can we pick up Friend there to bring Friend home with us".
If you've said yes, and then have the temerity to want to take a shower at 12:40 because you'd been cleaning, or gardening, or what have you all morning, they'll be miffed that you're not leaving instead of stepping into the shower. But they will not tell you that they're miffed because they'd set a time to meet Friend. They won't tell you that until you're LATE!!! as you get into the car at 1:30. And they'll fume and snarl all the way to the library.
I do not remember it working this way when I was a teenager. Of course, I was a teenager, so my perceptions are likely to be pretty skewed. (Mom, if you're reading this -- feel free to reveal the truth in the comments. If my perceptions are valid, I'll be vindicated; if not, I'm tough enough to face the bitter truth (maybe)).
By the time I was 15, I was pretty much getting myself anywhere I needed to go, or even wanted to go. Of course, when I was 15, almost everywhere I wanted to go was a fairly easy bike ride away. Every now and then, I'd need to take a bus -- but the bus always went where I was headed. By the time I was 16, not only were the bike and the bus reliable alternatives, but half my friends had cars (and the rules about not driving with more than one person under the age of 18 in the car with you weren't implemented yet).
My children have been spoiled utterly -- partly because I have been home to do it, and partly because we live so far away from the school (5.1 miles walking, 5.4 - 6.8 miles by car) and the library (5.3 miles walking, 5.6 miles by car) and the mall (7.7 miles walking, 9 miles driving) and most of their friends. They've had access to a car and driver for most things. Sure, Kitty has mastered the fine art of taking the bus home from the library --

but she's not yet mastered the equally fine art of taking the bus FROM home.
Breaking them free of the dependency on their "car and driver"

(mom and the station wagon), is proving to be quite difficult. Despite that impending push for independence from the Driver (as they get ever closer to being licensed drivers), I am a little afraid of how it's going to look when they no longer need the Driver. I'm anticipating lots of skirmishes over whether I need the Car more than they "need" the car. I'm not anticipating much in the way of offers to pay for the insurance or gas or .... tires or headlights or oil....
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